Segway Superstar

Desperately hanging on to the dregs of summer yet welcoming the morning chill of fall, I spent the day with my fellow co-workers on a Segway. After a brief lesson, a few minutes spent trying on our helmets and a comical safety video that was not unlike those high school drivers ed movies (i.e. "Blood on the Highway") of yore, we were off on our tour of the historic St. Anthony Falls stretch of Minneapolis. Although I can't speak for everyone, I personally had a great time cruising on my "human stick" checking out the magical mystery sights of the Mississippi River, the old mills (now converted into expensive downtown condos), the Stone Arch Bridge, new Guthrie Theater, Boom Island and Nicollet Island.

There were a total of 13 Segwayers, including our two tour guides and I'm sure we were a sight to behold for any passersby. Forming our single file line like obedient school children, stiff armed and tightly wound, we all attempted to stay up right, not tip over or hit one of the path runners who came our way. Apparently, if you wanted to purchase an actual Segway for personal use it would set you back upwards of $5,000 to $9,000. This got me to thinking about who buys these little gyroscope fed pieces of machinery. I guess I have seen some police driving Segways on downtown, pedestrian beats. I could also envision some uber rich CEO type -- probably from a high tech firm of some sort -- tooling around a warehouse style office space on a Segway. But who else? Little old ladies who are too hip to be caught dead on a Rascal? Teenagers or college kids hauling ass across campus? The Segway is far too expensive for the social security dependent, Medicare crowd, not too mention the risk of grandma falling off and shattering a hip. Aye Carumbu! And what kind of college student can afford such a lavish mode of solitary transport? The average 22 year old wants a sporty car with 17 inch rims and a Bose sound system to pump the bass.

With all this talk of sustainability, environmental protection and alternative forms of energy, we really need to take another look at the Segway as a platform for transportation of the future. BUT, there needs to be significant changes made in order to market this to the masses. For one, we need some passenger room. I want a Segway side car or trailer hitch. Then you would have to trick it out with a rag top, flames and fuzzy dice. A hot sound system and a hydraulic lift and you got yourself a mean ride my friends. Pimp my Segway beeatch!!

I think I've just struck upon a way to revitalize the US car manufacturing industry. Screw the hybrid cars. Lets get on the Segway Superhighway. It may not be fast or flashy, but it sure is fun.

Word.