Doppelgangers: A Study of Happiness Contrast & Similarity

Happiness Photo Experiment – Day 12.

Today’s entry is a study of contrasts. Two images of a similar nature, one representing – for me – sweaty palm, heart palpitation, anxious displeasure while the other puts me in a state of blissful serenity and calm relaxation. Oddly enough, I experienced both of these in the same day. It’s the doppelganger of happiness. The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

First, you have the anti-happy photo depicting the examination table at my doctor’s office. Happiness rating = -3

While I don’t necessarily dislike my doctor (she’s actually a very lovely lady), I really dread going to the clinic even if it is for a very mundane visit like today’s trip. Six months ago my doctor changed a prescription med I was taking and asked me to come back so she could check everything out. I guess she wanted to make sure my blood was still red and my urine was still . . . ah, you get the picture. It was easy. But, why do I always feel like my just walking in the door shoots my blood pressure about at least 10 points? I'm not even scared of needles. I think it has something to do with the fear of what my doctor might tell me -- fear of the unknown. There is also this vague feeling of not being fully prepared, kinda like the pre-finals feeling in college when you studied a lot, maybe even all night, but aren’t quite confident that you will do well. You know what I’m sayin?

But, no need to fear. All is well with me from a physical standpoint!

Now, we have the mucho gracias happiness photo of the massage table which I just laid upon for a delightful 60 minutes! Ahhh . . . so nice. Happiness rating = solid 7.

A few months back I signed up for a membership at Massage Envy. For a low monthly fee I receive an hour long massage each month. It is a great stress reliever. Tonight I asked my therapist, Marissa, to focus on my neck, shoulders and back and she went to town. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I fell asleep. Yep. Don’t even want to think about whether or not I snored or involuntarily did anything else crude. Nevertheless, this table represents a lot of what is good and right in the world.

Funny how two objects, so closely related in size, appearance, weight and color and general styling, could evoke such different and extreme emotions. They both are situated in small, closed door rooms where it is eerily quiet. Hey, you are even asked to undress in each of them from time to time. Ok, now I'm freaking myself out.

I guess it isn’t the object, but what surrounds it, and the meaning and memories we connect to it, which is the true predictor of our happiness (or eventual creep out).

Are there any two objects, so closely related yet oh so far apart on your happiness meter? If so, please share.

Washing Away Winter

Happiness photo experiment -- Day 11.

Today's images document my trip to the car wash. There is something oddly cathartic . . . well . . . I guess . . . sorta spiritually cleansing about getting a car washed. At just a basic level, it's fun to drive in and experience the cycles of rinse, soap, scrub, rinse and dry. You just relax, crank up the latest R&B dance track from Usher and let those machines do all the work. Removal of grime and those salt crusted dirt barnacles from my auto gives me an almost indescribable sense of accomplishment -- like I'm showing Mother Nature who's boss. Take that winter! Pow. You may have dumped 12 feet of snow and left sheets of ice in your wake. Your bitter cold winds may chill me to my core, but, for a few bucks and few short minutes, I can wash you away. Ha.

Participating in the transformation from dingy to shiny, from worn to fresh, is restorative. It's progress. It's the phoenix rising from the ashes to live anew. Good smells (personally, I love the fake 'new car' scent) and sparkling chrome are emblematic of renewal and hope. And, here in the upper Midwest, when you go to the car wash in March, it signals Spring is just around the corner so hang on for just a little while longer.

Happiness rating = 5

No More Fear, No More Pain

Don't let fear stand in the way of exploring your full potential. Don't let fear stop you from being happy. This is the message of a recent Stepcase Lifehack article entitled "What Stops Us From Exploring, Developing and Maximizing our Potential?" I agree with a lot of what author Craig Harper has to say here.

Boiling down Harper's points into a single take-away, I came to the conclusion that nothing outside of myself can point to, or otherwise, make me happy. No matter how hard we look, no object and no other person, no external validation, has the power to induce happiness. This can only come from inside ourselves. We decide. Thus, happiness, is in our control. It is the ultimate in self-determination. No matter what life throws at us, regardless of how we were raised, where we went to school, our IQ, the clothes we wear, our sexual orientation, the religious affiliation we subscribe to . . . ugly, beautiful, poor, rich, white, black . . . none of that matters or is directly correlated to real, honest-to-goodness, unadulterated happiness. How liberating.

Of course, some might argue that being blessed with good looks or a sizable bank account may help in the getting happy department. Perhaps. But, I think we have all witnessed enough episodes of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab or read plenty of front page headlines of troubled trust fund kids to know that all the money and power in the world can only get you so far.

I love this excerpt from Harper's article. I think it says it all:

. . . You can’t change other people but you can change how you behave and react around them. You can’t alter your level of natural ability (potential), but you can determine how much of that ability you tap into, exploit and develop. You can’t change your past but you can change the way you let it influence and impact on your present and your future. That is, you don’t need to be limited by, defined by or determined by your history (as many people are). Your history doesn’t necessarily tell you anything about your potential and is often a poor indicator of what’s possible for your future. If you’re like many, then your achievements – or perhaps lack of achievements – are more a reflection of your fear (to take a chance and get uncomfortable) than they are a reflection of your potential.

And finally, don’t allow your self-limiting, over-thinking, fear-influenced mind to stand between you and happiness. You are good enough, talented enough, courageous enough and definitely worth it.

Now to shift gears ever so slightly . . .
Yesterday, a high school friend of mine, Deb, died. The news was, and continues to be, sad and shocking. Her passing was sudden and she left this earth far too soon. Only 38 years old and seemingly full of life, Deb has left an indelible imprint on me and on so many others. When a death comes so out-of-the-blue, it sends waves of anger, regret, despondency and confusion. Like a tsunami, these emotions crash into and onto your soul. The question is always "why?" Why her? Who now? Why this? There are never any satisfying answers. Absolutely none.

While I had lost touch with Deb over the years, we had, in the last few years, re-connected via Facebook. I don't know everything about her life, but in our brief communication, I surmised that she had dealt with a lot and battled some demons both all too real and quite possibly, even some, imagined. Deb faced pain in more ways then one and, perhaps, sought relief to abate and numb some of the pain she felt. Luckily, she had someone -- her life partner Linda -- by her side who brought her joy and comfort. Although I never met Linda, it is apparent from all I've seen and read that she and Deb shared a life and a strong love. But, this is where my Harper's article and the tragic loss of my friend Deb connect for me. Although I cannot even begin to claim any true knowledge or understanding of how my friend felt, I do believe that the hurt she experienced contributed to her passing and no objects or people, no matter how beloved, could bandage the wounds which cut so deep. And this, I feel, is the single and most significant tragedy of them all.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Wherever you rest tonight Deb, I hope peace and comfort and true happiness have found you and lay beside you as you sleep. You will not be forgotten. You will be missed.

Oh Baby

What could epitomize happy more than a cute little baby? I'm partial to this particular baby, my new nephew Elijah. He is almost 2 months old. I catch myself pulling out my phone and looking at these pictures at least once a day. Every time I do, it makes me smile. Happy rating = 8.


In the Psychology Today e-zine article "What Babies Can Teach You About Happiness," author Karen Salmansohn calls babies little "Zen Masters" who "have a greater expanded consciousness" than adults. Our significant lack of brain cells, as compared to babies, means grown-ups focus on the wrong things, are more inhibited and, thus, are less happy than babies.

Salmansohn goes on to claim that "A baby's brain is also better able to notice beauty and experience delight wherever it wanders-being fully appreciative of the new, and present in the now. You've heard of the Buddhist concept of "beginner's mind?" Well, a baby is blessed with the ultimate beginner's mind!" I can totally get behind this. Have you ever observed a baby while they are observing the world around them? They embody this awe and wonder. It's pretty amazing.

While I'm not sure about all of the science and talk of neurotransmitters, it makes sense that a baby would be happier than me. I mean, they don't have to go to jobs, pay bills, deal with standing in line at the DMV, wash dishes or clean toilets. Those babies leave all the unsavory tasks to their moms and dads, right? OF COURSE, babies are happy! Plus, they get to wear all of those awesome, fuzzy footy pajamas. And they can look forward to the day when they are grown up and able to fully enjoy the musical stylings of Justin Bieber and drive their parents crazy by coming home with faux hawks and ear piercings.

So, how do we tap into this state of happy baby Zen Master? Well, Salmansohn would urge us to meditate. To only see the world again with the delight of a child we just need to quiet our mind and be still and . . . there it is again . . . this topic of mindfulness. I may have to invest in a bouncy seat and hang a mobile above my bed.

Anticipating Is Half the Happy

Had a rough day today. Nuff said.

My happiness came in the form of an email from Mr. Oz. It came in the "thick of the ick." After throwing out some not-too-subtle hints, I was surprised to get a note announcing that he had made reservations for us to stay at Sundara Spa in Wisconsin for our anniversary weekend in April. Giddy jubilation ensued. This place looks wonderfully tranquil. I can hardly wait.

Promise of a fun anniversary trip involving pure relaxation in a pristine nature setting? Priceless. Happy rating = 8!

Happiness is Learned & Borrowed

I subscribe to a Twitter feed from Ode Magazine which promotes itself as an online community for intelligent optimists. I'm not sure I am a community member or just hanging out in the periphery as a wanna-be member, but nevertheless, I find the articles provocative and engaging. Ode tends to focus on issues of spirituality and nature and the junctures at which we, as a society, intersect these arenas. Ode is on my 'must read' list each week. I spotted an article on the topic of happiness, and just had to include here.

French psychiatrist Christophe Andre has made his life's work studying happiness. Below are just a few excerpts from the article that struck me as particularly relevant to my experiment in isolating and rating happiness.

Ode Magazine: Professor of happiness

What about now? Do you experience moments of happiness?
"It's hard work but it's pleasant. You've got to put your mind to it. Working on happiness acts as an anti-depressant.

You can spend an evening with friends and only realize once you get home that you had a good time. That means you've missed your moments of happiness. You need to realize that there are many opportunities to be happy. You have to realize: This is enjoyable, this is a nice moment, I'm having fun, this is a little bubble of happiness. I know people who have a nice weekend and cannot be happy because on Sunday afternoon they're already starting to think about going to work on Monday. And at work they're thinking they're not happy because they don't see their children enough. Those people never have their minds in the present. You have to tell yourself: I'm going to enjoy this for a moment. My child is here and I'm going to stop thinking about my work. I'm emptying my mind and listening to what my child has to say.

"This can be learned. The English call it 'mindfulness.' Concentrating helps; meditation is very good. It takes hard work every day, but it works. Happiness can be learned. It's within reach. When I get too nervous, too excited, too eager, then I know I need to rest and take a walk. When I walk, I need to stop occasionally and look around. Look and be open; absorb nature.

Happiness is about the little things. Happiness tends to be calm and peaceful. You don't jump up and down with happiness, but with joy. Yes, there is such a thing as intense happiness, but it doesn't happen often in one's life. Striving toward absolute, huge, oceanic happiness, le bonheur fou, can be discouraging and distract you from little happiness."

Why has there been such a strong focus on being happy and living a good and conscious life in recent years?
"The interest in happiness emerged at the same time as the interest in health. Now that Westerners don't have to worry as much about pure survival, they're much more interested in the quality of life. But there's also a long-term trend here. Happiness also is part of democratization. Since the 18th century, everyone has a right to happiness. The American Constitution speaks of the pursuit of happiness.

"Nowadays, happiness is a topic addressed by the consumer society. Happiness is everywhere, which of course leads to a deeper interest. This is undoubtedly because the need for meaning is more keenly felt since the role of religion has declined."

What is the purpose of happiness?
"It has no purpose—only that you're happy. It gives you a more interesting life. We don't live for happiness, but life is possible, beautiful and rich because it exists. When we're happy, we don't think about tomorrow; we enjoy it here and now. And we're only able to do that because we know that there could be more suffering tomorrow. Happiness is only possible against the background of death; only we human beings know that we're going to die, and that in itself is a good reason to strive for happiness.

"You could also say, 'What is the purpose of life?' Everyone gets to decide that for themselves. But, again, meaning and happiness are not the same thing. A big hero of the Nazi resistance has given a lot of meaning to his life, but that doesn't mean he's a happy person. To paraphrase Diderot: Happiness is a state of well being you wish would last forever."

Here is a photo of Mr. Oz taken at a recent wedding of our dear friends, Tammy & Jason. Reflecting on moments when I was fully present and experiencing the now, this image certainly captures one of those times. It was a beautiful day filled with expressions of love and good wishes and this is what I see when I look at this picture. Mr. Oz is one of the happiest people I know. When I'm having a bad day, his cheery demeanor and optimism rubs off on me. Somehow, I am able to borrow his happiness and make it my own. Thanks babe! Happiness rating = 9.

A Tiny Bit of Tolle

One of my favorite thinkers and authors is Eckhart Tolle. His books, "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth," are some of the best meditations on mindfulness and consciousness that I have read. A powerful aspect of Tolle's teachings is his understanding of how our ego often gets in the way of our true happiness. We get so caught up in what we have, who we are and how we define ourselves and, by doing this, we lose sight of just 'being' and living in the current moment. We fail to embrace the life we have and, instead, replace it with constant striving and seeking. I'm tired of the perpetual cycle so in honor of jumping off the hamster wheel, I say enough is enough. What's wrong with inner peace, quite confidence, celebrating mere existence? Why must there always be more to get and gather? We all could use a little more Eckhart.

"Don't Seek Happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness."
— Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose)

And, on that note, here is my happiness photo - Day 7. I was living in the moment while enjoying my martini at Chino Latino. :) Rating = 4.