Who Controls The Sun?

Lately I've been feeling a bit out of sorts. Plagued with an odd upper eyelid spasm, an evil cold sore, restless slumber and a general feeling of malaise, my body is definitely trying to send a message. As my crazy symptoms began to add up, I have to admit all kinds of ideas flooded my mind. Am I having a stroke? Do I have Bells Palsy? Some kind of virus? Shingles? My inner hypochondriac went a little nuts for about a day. But I think it is likely a physical manifestation of stress. My immune system is running on low and my body is telling me to slow down. Relax. Drink more water. Eat more vegetables. Go to bed before midnight. In short, take care of yourself. This is what my body is telling me.

Part of the problem rests with the government. Yes, I said it. I blame the government for my ills. Who doesn't, right? I'm not talking about high taxes or the broken down health care system. I'm referring to the silent conspiracy known as Daylight Savings Time. Who invented this program anyway? Spring ahead my ass. Why must the government interfere with TIME? Who gave bureaucrats the power over daylight anyway? It gets me all in a funk. I can't get to sleep at night because my body thinks it is like 9pm when really it is 10pm. Not ready for sleep I toss and turn fitfully through the night. Then, of course, in the morning, I can't wake up.

But here's the real kicker. I believe whomever invented Daylight Savings Time was really trying to eek more productivity from the working class. Probably some elite bourgeoisie capitalist who realized that when it started to get dark at 4pm or 5pm, that was a subtle cue for his factory workers to punch the clock and head home to eat their Dinty Moore Beef Stew, watch a little American Idol and hit the hay. What if we could push up the clock so it really only got dark at like 6pm or 7pm? What if the workers didn't realize it was quittin time? More widgets to be manufactured equals more profit in the capitalist coffers? It's hard, cold science really. I'm convinced Daylight Savings time is really just about the rich getting richer.

To test my theory, I did what every resourceful and curious person does these days -- I Googled it. Turns out some British dude named William Willett invented the concept of DST back in 1907. Apparently old William "observed with dismay how many Londoners slept through a large part of a summer day.^[17] An avid golfer, he also disliked cutting short his round at dusk."

I knew it. I just knew that whomever invented DST was a hater of the common man getting his fair share of rest and relaxation. It's all about keeping the working stiffs working while those who can afford it hit the links. So, we have to push our clocks hither and yon because some crusty Brit wanted to get in another round of golf? Huh!? It seems that a later adoption of the program calls out the benefits of energy conservation. We use less electricity, or so some say. I'm not convinced. These facts are just so dull and boring. I find it much more invigorating to classify DST as an overt social control scheme; a manipulation of our God given right to sunlight on our own terms; the puppet master yanking the fabric strings of time to serve his very own master -- the almighty dollar. Doesn't that just pack a whole lot more fire than saving a few cents on electricity? Yeah. I like the subversive angle a whole lot better so I'm going to stick with that.

Excuse me while I go heat up my Dinty Moore and kick back with some American Idol. Marx was wrong. Religion is not the opiate of the masses . . . nope, it's convenience foods and bad reality t.v. Dulls our senses. Makes our eyelids twitch. Keeps us tethered to the puppet controls. Ahhhhh, nice.