Rooney Is Looney

Did you ever wonder why they don't enforce a mandatory retirement age on certain television shows? Have you ever considered that sometimes, just sometimes, it might be time to throw in the towel, pack it up and start drawing what's left of social security while you still can? Yes, I'm talking to you Andy Rooney! Why, dear God, are you still cashing in on your 15 minutes of fame by ceaselessly prattling on and on at the tail end of each and every episode of 60 Minutes? Andy Rooney is my anti-best.

Andy Rooney is to television journalism as Carrot Top is to witty and insightful stand-up comedy. They just don't go together people. I love to hate Andy Rooney. Lest you think this is all about me hating on the elderly and before you call me an age-ist, let me just say that it has very little to do with Andy's chronological age. If he was in his early 30's and still attempted to entertain us with his ridiculous take on the thickness of New York City phone books or the number of old shoes he still owns, I would still despise him. Why does this matter Andy? Why should we care? What is the relevancy for the love of all that is holy? And who in their right mind produces this tripe? I can only assume that whoever is in charge of 60 Minutes -- or the Andy Rooney segment of the show -- is an even bigger curmudgeon than Mr. Rooney himself.

I have this theory and I think it applies here so hang with me for a second. Have you ever seen a person who seems to have found their "best" hairdo in 1981 and decided to stick with it for the rest of their lives? It's like they got stuck and just couldn't get unstuck. That same wavy perm with the Farah Fawcett flip has lasted for well over 20 years and no matter how styles have shifted and hair trends have improved, it just doesn't matter. They are trapped in a bouffant time warp. This is not exclusively relegated to hair do's. Nope. It spreads way beyond. Andy Rooney suffers from this malady too. His commentary would likely be SUPER funny in 1958 but in 2008 it falls incredibly flat. Oh yeah Andy, shave your eyebrows too. They are freaking me OUT. And that, my friends, is the rest of the story.