The Fourth Circle In Dante's Inferno Has Got To Be Facebook

I've decided I have a love and hate affair going with Facebook. It took some time for me to come to this conclusion, but this weekend, it hit me like a MACK truck. Sometimes I want to sweep Facebook up in my arms and give it the most constricting and mushy of hugs and kisses. I want to ravish it, whisper sweet nothings into its ear. At other moments, I want to snub Facebook and talk about it behind its back (much like I'm doing right now). I want to push it into a locker and stuff its Trapper Keeper in there, shut the door and laugh like an evil Hyeanna while it twists and squirms for its freedom. Why such a polarized and violent reaction? Well, ladies and gents, Facebook is the Internet's equivalent of high school. And ahh, well, I still to this day have mixed emotions about high school. There were plenty of fun and good times marked, undeniably, by low moments, crushing defeats and plenty o' drama.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love reconnecting with old friends. I've recently been in touch with some great people with whom I had lost complete track of. We've been doing a little chatting and reminiscing. It has been fantastic seeing where they have been, pictures of their families, joyful reuniting, etc. Then there are the mutual interest groups where I can "hang" with my peeps and bask in the glow of a happy victory (GO OBAMA!). Finally, I'm really quite enamoured with checking out who is online each time I log in and striking up random IM exchanges over the most trivial and lighthearted topics. For all of these reasons, Facebook has won my heart.

But these moments are harshly contrasted by some of my very own, homespun, Facebook hate. I find myself having strange inner dialogues questioning why someone who is friends with a mutual friend has not yet 'friended' me and whether or not I should 'friend' them and what it might mean if they don't or I do or I don't. I find myself spinning in circles just contemplating it now. And then I have this inkling, small fear that I may run into someone on Facebook that I would rather not reconnect with and how awkward that would be. If they 'friend' me will I deny them? Will I accept? Facebook paralysis sets in like a venomous snake has infected me with its rigamortous inducing poison. "But, wait, you say . . . these are all just worries about things that have not happened. Live in the now, man. Be happy and deal with stuff as it comes." I agree. That is why I refuse to let my paranoia alter my habits or change my behavior.

But, perception is my reality and my reality is starting to feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Like there is this inner circle of cool kids that are saying more, doing more, being more and feeling more than I could ever imagine. I get whiffs and hints of this on Facebook as well as the general blogosphere of which I just recently entered. My 'friend' posts pictures from a recent party. In these pictures, other friends are tagged hoisting drinks and performing a variety of hi-jinks of which I am not involved and you start to question the reasons why. I feel sad and hurt but not necessarily because I wasn't invited or did not attend. No. I feel wounded because Facebook smacked it in my face and made me see it and confront it in a way that I would never have had to without Facebook. And, this is where I mainly start to consider Facebook analagous to high school, because you always knew something was going on somewhere that you were not a part of and you would have to hear about it the next day at school and it would reinforce the message that you were sometimes, but not always, on the outside looking in.

Now, I'm not just trying to start a pity party here. Honestly. I had plenty to do in high school and if we are talking about cliques, I will defend myself only so far as to say that I was not at the bottom of the social food chain. Rather I would probably be classified as existing in the ethereal middling ground hovering somewhere in the concentric circles of band geek, scholar and athlete. I had several great friends, lots of good friends and got along with nearly everyone. But, no matter where my prepratory reference point lies, I still recognize this feeling . . . its the desire to matter and be wanted and involved. We can push it aside. We can grow up, get jobs, get married, rear children, have lots of fulfilling pasttimes and a solid life's purpose and dreams which bring us much happiness, but we can't escape the universal need to be needed. So, Facebook has brought all of this up to the surface. It's an online social microcosm of these mashed up sentiments which pull me in and push me away all at the same time.

I kinda feel the same way about blogging. I've always been an avid journal keeper, but posting online exposes me in a way that I'm not quite sure I'm ready for. Psychologically, I may be the only one reading yet I still feel this strange vulnerability by the possibility that others could be watching. Yet, I'm the one pushing the 'enter' button. So, I ask myself, why do I do it? Why are we, as a society, doing it in record numbers? For some it may be the secret wish for microfame. For most, I believe, it is an extension, once again of our longing for our voice(s) to be heard and to matter to at least one other person, or a tiny community of believers. The need to belong pushes us to spew our ideas forth into the stew of the Internets. Blogging is the antidote to our own modern condition yet I find the chatter so pervasive, the e-noise so loud and overrun that, at times, I find it hard to focus. The feedback loop always leaves me wishing for more. More connection. More empathy. More of the more. Its never enough.

When is it enough?

When will we feel enough?

And, more importantly, when will high school truly be over?